Another music story...

Last summer I posted about the difference in my taste in music as compared to that of my children.  They liked the Camp Rock stuff, and I, well...did not.  Since that time Riley Grace has started to develop her taste in music which I have attempted to influence.  I have tried to introduce "daddy's music" to her but hold on for the big surprise...it has yet to work.

So since this summer Riley had been singing along with Hannah and Cooper.  Well, she tried to and usually only sang every third or fourth word.  More recently she has gotten a little better and I can at least now I can understand what she said.

When one thinks of toddler songs, things like "Happy Birthday," "Itsy Bitsy Spider," and such come to mind.  One song I would not think of is "Call Me Maybe."  Yes, Riley has been aping Cooper and learned that song.  Usually they are performing a dance or cheer routine to go along with the song and bouncing or jumping around the living room.

Tonight Riley was sitting on the floor playing with her over-sized building blocks all by her lonesome.  She was singing something and after a few minutes I clued in to what she was singing.  I thought it sounded familiar and then it hit me...that's right, "Call Me Maybe."  She was only getting one in five words correct, but it was obvious what she was singing.  It was disturbing to me though that I actually know the words to the song and could recognize Riley's incorrectly worded rendition of the pop music nightmare was in fact that song.  But, then again I should not be surprised given the fact I reside in a house loaded with females who love boy bands, Disney music, and pop music nightmares.

Riley Grace was my last hope.  So far she has resisted the indoctrination and has already started to show signs of rebellion.  Riley is following in the footsteps of her sisters and rejecting daddy's musical choices and accepting the Disney pop music machine.  Sad, really.  I am apparently failing in my fatherly duties.  Well, at least Riley has yet to start singing any of that backstreet-kids-who-are-in-sync garbage.  Sorry, all boy bands are alike right?  There may be hope after all..? 

More of those blah blah blah lesson things for my girls...

This whole blog thing has sort of fallen off for me this year.  I feel bad because I sort of hijacked it from my wife with the intent of maintaining it and writing on a regular basis.  She does the decor, and I write.  Well, except this year.  I only have eight posts I think.  Unacceptable friends.

So, I really need to get back on the horse so to speak and get to writing.  I was looking back and realized that it has been a while since I posted any lessons for my girls.  Here are five more:

36.  Coffee does not slow down your growth.  Girls, you know what I do for a living.  Daddy is an investigator, which means I do two things well (according to the general public).  First, I eat doughnuts and second, I drink coffee.  The doughnut thing is only partially true and the coffee thing is true, as even Riley Grace knows.  Look at me.  I am 6'4" and I weigh 240 pounds.  I started drinking coffee at 16 years old.  Coffee didn't slow down my growth.  Of course it is possible that the rumor is true and had I not been drinking coffee all of these years, I would be about 6'10" wearing a size 18 shoe. 

37.  The holidays go in this order:  Halloween, Thanksgiving, and THEN Christmas.  Generally, most of the country and a majority of retailers start decorating for Christmas before Halloween.  Generally, I don't enjoy hearing "Jingle Bells" the same night I see children scouring the neighborhood dressed like their favorite character begging for candy.  Don't decorate too early.
    
38.  Birthdays come every year and we continue to get older whether we like it or not.  In a few hours I turn 38 years old, again, whether I want to or not.  I have new gray hairs and wrinkles I didn't have last year which you all seem to enjoy pointing out.  I could blame you, my loving children, for the rapid aging process.  Your mother says I am old.  Tomorrow I will not only be old, but also older.  Oh, and enjoy the birthday parties now because when you get to be my age you won't want them.  Due to your old age the sound of people yelling "Happy Birthday" will be too loud and you will be in bed at about 7pm anyway. 

39.  I want you all to succeed at something, but it does not have to be cheerleading.  Yes, it is occasionally cute when Riley cheers for the "Ne-necks."  For those who don't understand, that is Riley-speak for Roughnecks.  And yes Cooper, you are good at those cheer jump things you do.  Yes, practicing is a good thing.  However, every minute of every hour of every afternoon hearing "Go...go Roughnecks, let's go Roughnecks," is quite over the top.  Jumping around screaming about the Roughnecks is not the only thing you are good at.  Succeed at math or science.  Succeed at volleyball or swimming.  Or, at least succeed at something that I could help you do.  I cannot dance, sing, or cheer.  Sorry.
  
40.  As you get older get along with your sisters.  I don't just mean get along, I mean you all need to at least act like you like each other.  Getting along will do several things.  First, getting along with each other will make life easier on all of you since you won't be fighting, arguing, and yelling.  Second, it will make life easier on your old man and mother since you won't be fighting, arguing, or yelling.  If you love us, you will all get along.

I love each of you.  Hannah, Cooper, and Riley Grace...please pay attention and help me age well.  Besides, if you help me age well it will be less likely that I will have move in with you all when I am in my eighties and crazy.

Cooper says the darndest things...

Riley Grace is not the only person in this house that has a knack for saying funny things.  Cooper is actually leading all vote getters with 1,827 funny one-liners.  Well, it is something like that anyway. 

Cooper's witty one-liner was so good it was necessary for me to stop what I was doing and immediately write it down for posterity.  It was so good I needed to mark the date.  So here is a quick Cooper funny.

On June 14,2012, we were in the living room.  Cooper and Ashley were on the couch, and Riley was there, too.  I sat on the floor near the couch.  All was well.  Then it was like Cooper smacked me in face with her bold and completely serious statement that she pulled from left field.  Cooper looked at me and said, and I quote, "I want a baby brother even though my mom's factory is closed."

There was such shock that it took me several minutes to pick my jaw up from the floor.  All I could do was sit there and blink.  It got so quiet inside that I am sure I heard only crickets in the background.  All I could do was mutter something like "You already have a baby sister."  Of course, several questions came to mind once I was able to process a thought.

First, where on earth did Cooper come up with that?  Second, who said anything about another child in this house?  I was simply left confused, yet amused at the situation.  Is the thought of a son appealing?  Sure.  Is it likely that I, having three daughters, would actually have a son?  No.  The odds are against it friends.  And as it turned out, Ashley and Cooper talked about a baby brother earlier.

"My mom's factory is closed."  That is definitely one of the darndest things I have heard in a while.  One more for Cooper.  Well played.  

Riley Grace and the Rangers

So here I sit at 11:07 pm because I cannot sleep.  I have an "Interview and Interrogation" class starting tomorrow and I should be asleep, but, here I sit.  Yes, it is work related, and no, it is not to get new techniques to use on my children to find out what one of them did to the other or who ate the last Pop-Tart.  Although, there may be something in there worth trying I suppose.

Anyway, when I cannot sleep I write stories about my adventures in being a father to three girls and my attempts to maintain some sanity in the estrogen-filled, testosterone killing house.  If you have read any of the other stories, you know why I say "testosterone killing."  My only male companions are Major and the fish whose name I cannot remember.  But he is male, so he is my friend.

As Riley Grace gets older her vocabulary expands.  It expands exponentially every day, I might add.  Sometimes there are words that are so unintelligible I am left agape, and other times she repeats what I tell her to say just so I can get a laugh and a confused look from her mother.

Now, to the point.  Our house is full of Texas Rangers fans.  At one time Cooper was in love with David Murphy.  Hannah is an Ian Kinsler fan and proudly wore her "Kinsler" shirt to a game recently in San Francisco against the Giants.  Riley Grace has yet to chose a favorite, although I think she pays more attention when Nelson Cruz is at bat.

So, during a game recently Riley Grace learned a new word.  No, not a profanity.  Following a Nelson Cruz moonshot homerun she heard me yell, "Boomstick!"  Any Rangers fans know what that means.  I think she saw my happiness as she looked at me, at the television, and back at me.  She looked puzzled, ever so momentarily, as she was obviously working out in her two year old brain how to formulate the word and to reconcile what she had just observed.  Then, without prompting by her proud father, she enthusiastically blurts out in her best toddler-speak, "BOOMSTICK!"  Okay, so maybe it wasn't that exactly, but it was close enough. 

To make her father even more proud, she is trying to display the "claw" and "antler" when appropriate.  She happily mimicked me when I showed the antlers last night after Andrus advanced two bases after a botched throw to first.  I know, insane.  I looked over and she had learned to put her hands up, and thumbs against her head to make two antlers.  Greatness. 

She actually does enjoy watching baseball with me.  As I sat in the floor leaning up against the couch, she toddled over and climbed onto my lap to watch the game while gnawing on her pacifier right in my ear.  I could overlook that minor annoyance because she was too cute when she looked me in the eye and said, "Cuddle me."   

So just when I think they are trying my last iota of patience, yanking on my last nerve, or making yet another hair on my head gray, one of them comes to "Daddy rescue" and brings a tear to my eye.  It is truly emotional when Riley Grace lets out a "Boomstick" while cuddling with me.  I just hope she doesn't pick up a no-no word and proudly announce it to a room full of people while her shocked, and mortified, mother and father stand by in embarrassment.

Something else I thought I wouldn't say...

I have all daughters.  For that simple reason I thought there were things I would never have to say.  By contrast if I had all boys, the list of things I would never say would be very short indeed.  Growing up the oldest of four kids, including three boys, there were an infinite number of things I heard my parents say that were ridiculous.  In hindsight those statements were totally necessary due to the things we did.  Here is a short funny that I use as a further illustration of those things that we say and in hindsight are rather, well, interesting.

The other evening Cooper and Riley were playing on the living room floor.  Cooper was laying on the floor and Riley was climbing around her, over her, and on her.  It looked like a one-sided wrestling match.  Hurricane Riley was slowly but surely wearing down Super Cooper and "SC" was putting up no fight at all.

Then, in an attempt to apparently put an end to the match, Riley pulled a move on her that Cooper and I didn't expect.  Riley used her pointer finger and shoved it into Cooper's nose.  After the few seconds it took me to recover from watching my baby daughter lay a vicious nostril plugger on Cooper, I found myself saying, "Don't pick your sister's nose."

There I was...astounded by what I saw, and further shocked by what I said.  Having all girls I never expected to have to tell one of them not to PICK HER SISTER'S NOSE.  How ridiculous.

But, so goes our life.  The girls at times act like boys.  They burp, fart, and pick noses.  Wish us luck.

So...you don't want turkey?

Every morning  for nearly the last year our days start the same.  Before sunrise one of our children wakes up and decides no one should be forced to sleep until the sun comes up.  So Riley figures since she is up we need to be up, too.   Who needs an alarm when Riley makes sure we never sleep in? 

Sometimes Riley will want to lay back down for several minutes and cuddle with whichever parent did not get her from the crib.  Other times, she becomes vocal that she is starving and in need of sustenance in a hurry since she hasn't eaten in about ten hours and apparently withering away into nothingness.  Riley does not simply say "eat."  Instead, Riley unleashes a loud "MEAT" in the hope that I will spring from my comfortable sleeping spot to retrieve food due not only to her starvation,  but also due to the fact she thinks the household revolves around her.  Actually, I guess it sort of does.

At first I thought that she just could not say "eat."  No, she can say it.  I realized that she is such a genius, she is shortening several words and saving herself a fraction of a millisecond by combining "Me eat."  Wow, how cool.

As I say, the child knows when she is hungry and is not shy about letting us know.  It is obvious when she starts to throw a fit by stomping on the floor, jumping up and down in a circle, and flailing and throwing her arms in the air while yelling, "MEAT, MEAT, MEAT, MEAT..."  The first time she did that I strolled to the refrigerator and rolled up a slice of turkey.  How silly of me.  Of course that did not work and only made matters worse.  

Anyway, the points I make before I go to bed are these:  Riley hates sleep and feels we should too.  And, when Riley is yelling "MEAT," she does want food but is not asking for a burger.

 

Your purse has what?

Ask a man what he is afraid of and, if he is like me, he will reply that what is most fearsome, intimidating, and outright terrorizing is the contents of a woman's purse.  I don't dare go into my wife's purse...for any reason.  Then there is the contents of Cooper's purse.  Let me explain.

Cooper is very proud of her brown leather purse.  An example?  Every time Cooper takes a sack of garbage to the dumpster she slings her fashion accessory over her shoulder and struts out the door.  If you ask her she is dressed and accessorized, and ready to go on a date as opposed to taking the stinky trash to the can.

Last night I got a look at what was so important to take outside with her every time she walks out of the house.  The contents were less intimidating, and more hilarious.  To Cooper, I love you.  But I must share.

Inside the purse were the apparent necessities.  First, there was a "Jumbo Word Search" book.  Cooper is my step-daughter but she is as much like me as all of my girls.  This book is proof.  She must keep the book just in case she gets bored while standing next to the dumpster after throwing away the garbage.

Also in the purse is a pen that she stole from Ashley.  Cooper sees herself as a rock star.  At first one would assume that the pen is for the book.  Not so my friends.  I am certain the pen is to be used to sign autographs for any one of her fans who may recognize her as a 7 year old Taylor Swift.  Or maybe someone might recognize her from her PSA I posted last fall about Halloween and monster safety.

I found a strawberry banana fruit bar in there, too.  Apparently the walk from the front door to the dumpster is so long that she requires a snack for the trip.  I would have picked something different, but hey, at least she has something for emergencies.

There were two ticket stubs in there from some event she went to at the Science Spectrum, I think.  Why keep those?  I have no idea.

Lastly, and the most humorous thing, there was a pink hair extension.  Yes, I said hair extension.  Being a man I have no clue why she would need that except that she wanted to loo her best while, yes, taking out the garbage.  I guess this is because you never know when the next model scout will turn the corner here in Levelland looking for a fashionable 7 year old to model a new line of Gymboree clothing.

I guess I learned one thing.  Even at a young age, a woman must keep stuff in her purse to keep her ready for about anything.  Cooper my dear, you are well on your way.

 

Evidence of the crime

What we have here friends is the scene of the offense.  The place is the kitchen.  The what is cereal.  The evidence is obvious.  If you don't see it, look closer near the bag. 

Someone viciously and maliciously desecrated our kitchen floor by knowingly and intentionally entering a bag of cereal without consent and making said mess by dumping the remnant onto the floor.  Or, another way to say it is that one of my children threw our knock-off Cheerios onto the floor while sneaking food.

First of all, I know I didn't do it.  Secondly, neither did Major.  Hey, I got to make sure the only two males in this house stick together.  Besides, his alibi was easy.  He was outside eating.

When I walked into the kitchen the first thing I see at the scene is the bag.  Fact:  Riley Grace has been carrying that bag around for four days smashing handfuls of cereal in the mornings.  So, immediately I have my suspect.

As I look closely I see another obvious clue...the "patch."  To the non-parentals, that is baby slang for the pacifier.  So being a trained investigator I deduce Riley has decided dinner was not satisfying enough for her and she sneaked into the kitchen and hurriedly got into the cereal to supplement her dinner while leaving a mess, and evidence of her offense, in her wake.

So I immediately confront my suspect about my scene.  Riley and I are standing in the kitchen and I ask her what happened.  She stares at the mess.  I had my hands on my hips and simply stared at everything.  I ask her what the mess was.  Riley looked up at me and simply pointed at the cereal while shrugging her shoulders.  All I could do was stand there as dumbfounded as she appeared to be.  I took her behavior as a non-verbal admission of her offense.  Her punishment you ask?  None.  I could see she was genuinely sorry for her behavior.  Yes, I am a sucker.  I laughed at her and sent her toddling back into the living room while I cleaned up her mess.

Even though she got off without punishment, there are lessons to be learned here.  First, daddy is an investigator.  I catch crooks for a living.  So that means I will find out what happened eventually.  Secondly, let me assist you in lessening the chance of getting caught.  Never, I mean never, leave your patch behind.  It is a dead giveaway that you were present when whatever happened, happened.

Things I thought I would never hear myself say...

Well, back at it again.  Hopefully I can keep from having months between writings.

So there I was minding my own business driving along I-35 somewhere in Kansas or Oklahoma.  Truthfully, I drove so much this weekend I have no idea where we were.  We were headed home from Mike and Stacie's house after a short weekend trip.  I say short because we spend a lot of time driving there and back, which only left a little time to spend with everyone.  That time included a birthday party, shooting pool, and a lot of coffee. 

Anyway, there I was.  Riley is seated behind me strapped into her NASCAR-like car seat say, and I quote, "Eewwwwwwwww, shewwwwweeeeeeeee."  I look in the mirror and to my surprise I see Riley holding her stuffed monkey upside-down.  Riley had her nose buried on the monkey's butt.  Here comes the line..."Riley, don't smell the monkey's butt."

I know, it sounded odd to me, too.  After I said it I stopped for a second, thought, and realized that yes, I actually did say those words.  Had folks asked me ten years ago if I would ever say, or if would even think about saying something so completely ridiculous, I would have laughed in their face as I patted them on the head and sent them away.  But there it was, completely unexpected.  My wife stopped and stared at me with a look of complete confusion.  She was a loss for words for a split second as she stared at me in all of my ridiculousness.

So where did all of this come from?  Riley has a new-found fascination with her nose.  Actually, the fascination is with her sense of smell.  She has over and over again heard me say, "Eewwwwwwwww, shewwwwweeeeeeeee," as I change her doo-doo diapers.  So I guess it is my fault that she now wants to smell everything and tell me that it is "sheweeeeeeeeeeeeee."  The "Scentsy" plug-in in the bathroom..."shewwwwweeeeeeeee."  The clothes I had just taken out of the dryer...similar.  The odorless plastic plants on the table in the dining room...the same.   

I, being an experienced father, knew that she would become giddy upon smelling her stinky and dirty feet.  Again, that is my fault since I used to smell her feet after taking her shoes off as an infant.  Of course then, there was no smell at all.  Now I don't think I could take it without shedding tears.  I anticipated her telling me that she tooted and it smelled.  And hey lets face it, she is right.  I awaited her telling me that something I the kitchen smelled terrible.  But I never expected to see her SMELLING THE MONKEY BUTT and proclaiming its foulness while we traveled along the interstate.  Even more, never had I thought about uttering that phrase.

My wife told me I should keep a list of those sayings.  Now I wish I would have listened.  So as they come up I will have to compile a list as I have the lessons for my daughters that I continue to build upon.  Maybe I can put them in my book.  What I know is this...as they get older my girls will do things that will force me to say things the average father would not ever have to say.   

Old Songs...The Statler who?

It's funny.  Recently I have been stuck on an old song on my iPod.  I really can't tell you why, but I just enjoy the song.  Maybe it is because it triggers memories of my childhood.  When I was a kid my family listened to country music and I remember The Statler Brothers, The Oak Ridge Boys, Kenny Rogers, and others on the radio.  I also remember not really liking it back then. 

As I say it is funny.  It's funny mainly because I have been stuck listening to "Oh Baby Mine" on my iPod since downloading if a last week.  Why? No idea why I downloaded it.  I mean the song was released in about 1982 I think.  When it was released I was eight years old and had more important things to do like play baseball and avoid getting cooties from some infected girl in homeroom.  But I realized something.  I actually like it now.  The music, not cooties.

I was looking around on the web and came across a video of the Statlers' final concert and heard the song "I'll Go To My Grave Loving You."  That song was released, if memory serves, when I was not even a year old.  But, I remember hearing it on the radio stations years...and years, ago.  It still is a great song and as I listened to it I thought of my wife.  Is it sort of cornball?  Yes.  But hey, I have never been Don Juan or anything.  I'm just a guy who loves his wife and currently expresses it by sending her a link to a song that was released before she was born in a style of music she probably never listened to.  Take a look...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k77FcySsNH4