I always tell humorous stories about the girls so I guess it is time again to tell on myself, while providing some lessons for my lovely princesses. So here we go...
16. Your father looks funny when he runs, and so will you one day. I am tall and getting older. When I was young I had a good, long running stride. I wasn't fast of course, but I looked good when I ran. Not too long ago I actually saw myself run. Actually, I experienced seeing my shadow in front of me as a chased a fleeing suspect. It was not pretty. It looked awkward and felt strange. My legs wouldn't do what I wanted so I felt myself off balance and my arms were flailing. I looked like a toddler learning to walk. When did I get too old to look cool and run at the same time? I may never know. I just know that I look ridiculous. But, I know you too will one day look like me when you run. Your arms will flail around and your legs won't work like you want them too. I warned you.
17. Your father does not fear much, but he is afraid of snakes...and sometimes mom. I have one of those jobs that does not allow me to show fear. I talk to bad guys all of the time. Having said that, I am afraid of snakes. They are slimy with little beady black eyes, and have that weird looking tongue. They just creep me out. You want to see me run (remember how I said I look running) and scream like a little girl? Throw a snake at my feet. Want to see me do the same thing and cry? Put one on me. Not good.
Then there is mommy. You all know what I am talking about because she has gotten mad at you, too. A word of advice...do as your mother says, or we are gonna get it. Oh yeah, don't tell her I said that. Actually don't tell anyone so I can let them think I am in charge at home, even though mommy is the boss.
18. Your father has no rhythm, and therefore cannot dance. Yep, it is true. Watching me dance is both comical and painful all at the same time. Ever seen anyone BEG a person to stop dancing? I have. Yep, I mean me. Prior to seeing me dance no one knew just how little rhythm a person could have. I have none. Nada. Now, they know it is possible to have completely none at all. Kids made fun of me dancing at a wedding one time. That's right...kids! Of course, I was dancing to "Shout" and all I had to do was jump up and down. It didn't even require rhythm, just for me to jump up and down. I was embarrassed. I had no idea how bad it was. Hopefully you get your mother's rhythm. She can dance...I cannot. So when you get married and there is that father-daughter dance thing, expect me to completely embarrass you. Get ready for it. Or the other option is to teach me to dance. Again, I warned you.
19. Your father dislikes being sick. This is actually to prepare you for when you gt married. Men are babies when they get sick. That is not an exaggeration. Ask your mother. She will readily tell you about a time when I was sick and laying on the bathroom floor just because the cold tile felt good on my face. She will tell you I whined because I had body aches. I complained because I was thirsty. I griped about having to take go to the doctor and take medicine. I wasn't even offended when she called me a little girl because I knew she was right. Your future husbands will be the same way. Just wait.
20. Your father is smart, but does not know everything. I know, I know. I will give you a minute to recover from the shock. You thought I was a genius and knew everything. Sorry to burst you image of me. But, on the up side I know a lot of cool stuff. Most of it is useless trivia, but cool nonetheless. For example...your foot is as long as your forearm measured from your wrist to your elbow. Try it, you know you want to.
I don't know a lot, too. I don't know what type of cow produces the best milk. I have no clue why Canadian Geese opt to stop in Lubbock for extended periods of time and make so much noise. I am completely ignorant as to how much wood a wood chuck could chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood. Sorry, that is the truth.
Well, take comfort my dears that you are like me in many ways and at least one of these things will apply to you at some point in your life. Personally I hope you dance better than me so you can all be spared the embarrassment I suffered. Of course, I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you but, you never know.
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